Raison D'Etre
by Ryuko-chan
Summary: A strange Nanami and Miki fic. Miki is dissastisfied, and Nanami wants to help. But how can she help if she doesn't understand? And what willl each of them call their Reason to Be?


Raison D'être  
  
"Miki-kun?" Nanami said questioningly. Miki turned from the window. Nanami blinked, "What are you looking at?" she asked. Miki glanced back at the violet haired girl floating from bush to bush. He sighed.  
  
"Nothing." He said. Nanami crossed her arms.  
  
"Honestly, Miki, you've been so.. weird lately!" She said. Miki sighed again.  
  
"I'm fine." He said, walking off. Nanami frowned.  
  
*There seems to be something wrong lately…* she thought, looking at him.  
  
* 'Weird'….* Miki thought, *Weird. Just like Nanami to describe deep depression as acting weird.* He walked home to his dorm. He picked up a picture on his desk. He and the student council smiled up at him.  
  
*Of course, that was earlier, before all this….. before all this.* he thought, looking at his rose signet, and thinking of Utena. His eyes traveled over the faces. *Saionji as victor.. he seemed so much cockier back then. Now he's more broken.. less….. just… just less. And Touga.  
  
*Well…* he thought. He was becoming less and less comfortable around Touga. That, and the rumors about him and the dean.  
  
*And Anthy. But Anthy was miserable. Or was she? It's so impossible to tell.* His eyes traveled over the serious face and golden-orange hair of Juri. *Juri-sempai.* He thought, lowering the picture.  
  
"Well, we all knew I never had a chance with her…" he said softly.  
  
"With who?" A voice behind him asked curiously.  
  
He whirled, "Nanami?" he said, surprised, "Uh, how long have you been standing there?" he asked, blushing.  
  
"Long enough." She said, hand on hip. She sat down on the bed, "So what's wrong?" she asked, looking at him.  
  
"You don't really care…" he accused.  
  
She frowned, "Yes I do." She protested, "Miki, I'm your friend." She said, getting angry.  
  
Miki sighed, *I can't tell you..* he thought, *You wouldn't _ever_ attempt to understand my quest for a… shining thing. How could you know anything about my raison d'etre?* he finished desolately.  
  
"Raison d'etre…" he whispered.  
  
Nanami leaned in, "What's that?" she said.  
  
Miki blushed even more fiercely.  
  
"Raison D'etre? Oh…" she sobered.  
  
"What? You know…" Miki asked.  
  
"French, yes!" Nanami shouted, "I took four terms of it! But if you meant… Well then, yes." She said.  
  
Miki glanced at her, eyes wide. Then he looked down, "You couldn't possibly understand.." he said.  
  
Nanami took offense at that, "OH!" she said disgustedly, "I AM _SO_ SICK OF THIS! Just because I'm SO cute, and popular, and beloved, everyone thinks that I don't have problems! I have problems!" she shouted, grasping at the air with her hands.  
  
"Yes, I can tell.." Miki said dryly.  
  
Nanami grimaced, "A-anyway… It's just that… I-I used to…" she turned away.  
  
Miki turned to her. Her golden tresses covered her face, but there was something streaming from her eyes. Miki blinked, surprised, "Nanami- sama…" he said, falling into a common speech pattern of people around her.  
  
She turned to him, "Don't say that!" she shouted, shaking her head as true tears sparkled, "Don't call me Miss! I have to say this! I used to think that my… Onii-sama… was my reason to be." She paused, looking down.  
  
Miki set a hand on her shoulder, "Don't take what Touga says at face value…" he said.  
  
Nanami whipped her arm around, knocking his hand off her shoulder. She was practically sobbing now, "Don't say that! I love my Onii-sama! He's the only person who has ever…" she stopped, frowning angrily.  
  
"Perhaps," Miki said, "Or perhaps he was the only one you ever allowed to." He finished.  
  
Nanami gave him a shocked and hurt look. Then she smiled faintly and bitterly, "You're just too smart for your own good." She murmured.  
  
Miki laughed, "Well, you're much too crafty for your own good, Nanami- sama!" he said.  
  
Nanami got up, wiping the tears from her eyes, "I thought I told you not to call me that." She said, her old self again.  
  
"Gomen, Kiryuu-san…" Miki said, bowing with a grin.  
  
Nanami sighed, putting her hair back in perfect order again, "Well, anyway Miki-kun, before you go talking about what can or can't be understood by people, you should think about it. Just because you're a genius.." she smiled, "Doesn't mean you can understand everything."  
  
Miki put a hand to his head, "Of course not.. I'll try to remember that."  
  
"As well you should." Said Nanami with a finishing nod, "You're not the only one who has problems anyway." She said, eyes sad.  
  
"That I knew already.." Miki said.  
  
Nanami opened the door, "Well… I have to go." She said reluctantly.  
  
Miki sobered, "Oh… of course." He said, "Um.. Right."  
  
"Maybe we can… study again sometime?" she said, "Without Utena and Anthy, of course."  
  
"I… Uh.. I'd like that.." he said, smiling nervously.  
  
She smiled at him, and smoothly ducked out the door with a short, "Bye."  
  
Miki moved to the window, watching her walk away. She looked back only once, and reluctantly, then looked down and ran away, home.  
  
He pressed a hand to the window, "Run home, Nanami.." he said, "Ignore whatever you feel inside you." He muttered, and then pressed his forehead to the cool glass.  
  
"If you do, maybe I can, too." He whispered. The feelings of two little people didn't matter anything to the Ends of the World. Miki went to bed, and rolled the covers over his head, finally falling asleep, feeling only a little better than before.  
  
And Nanami went home, back to everything that was wrong with her life.  
  
There was barely enough room for a friendship in the revolution, there would certainly be no room for a… Reason to Be.  
  
  
  
Author's note: I wrote this story a long time ago, after seeing the second Petshop of Horrors video. The phrase Reason To Be, or Raison D'etre, was mentioned a lot in one of those episodes. This story was actually the precursor, sort of, of my Beginning of the Ends of the World series, because Miki sort of does this introspective reflection on what the rest of the council was like before Utena. Those characterizations were the basis of that series. Of course it was a while before I started it.  
  
I don't remember why I did Miki and Nanami, but for that I had thought about them as a couple a little bit. Even though Nanami and anyone is mostly an abysmal couple, I wanted this one to be… less cheesy than it turned out. So, in converting it to hard copy, I totally rewrote the ending. Instead of being a "Will you be my Reason to Be?" story, it ended up being "Gee… I wish this revolution didn't totally suck" story, like it is in the beginning. I really never meant to continue it, but with the new ending, that' s possible. If you want it, ask me, and maybe someday I'll do it! 


End file.
